i love you.....

the power these 3 words have. wow. i don't even think i can begin to comprehend it. but it is something that God has been teaching me a lot about lately. His love for me. My love for others. how we don't say these 3 words enough. How we don't let God love us as He desires. How we don't love each other enough...or love ourselves so much more than others or even God.
Love--it is POWERFUL and is something we all crave...some so bad, they don't know what to do besides take their own lives...for lack of feeling someone else's love.
Today my heart has been saddened by news that my sweet friend Brandon, had a youth commit suicide this week. This is his 4th suicide funeral to go to this year...2 of which involved students of his youth, one a friend our age, and i am not sure of the 4th. As i found out about this death, i had this OVERWHELMING motherly sensation to go see each of my youth and make sure they know that I love them...more importantly that Jesus loves them and that His love is SO REAL. My heart is broken for the amount of pressure people face today...especially our youth.
God has been very sweet to me to allow me precious moments with a majority of them tonight and even tomorrow. I was feeling very sad and a little guilty that I didn't make it down to Laura's shower...but now I know for sure that i made the right decision. I went to the first football game and got to love of my precious kids. Just being there, talking to them, hugging them. Afterwards i went to one of their homes where several boys were staying the night and i got to just love them--and say out loud that i love them. Then i witnessed one of my girls getting pulled over on my way home and through that we talked for 30 mintues about life and I got to love her and share Jesus' love with her. And tomorrow morning i get to go have breakfast with one of my precious girls who is just overwhelmed with life and just broke up with her boyfriend and is in jr. miss tomorrow and i get to pray with her, talk to her, love on her. and one of my boys shattered his arm this week and had to have surgery and i got the time to go sit with him...laugh with him...love on him.
i'm not saying all of this to say that i am doing it right. i am saying all of this because love is breaking my heart. in a good and bad way. God is teaching me a lot about this 4 letter word. oh how i CRAVE it in my own life. i crave more love from my Father, i crave a love of a husband, and close friends... but over and over God keeps teaching me to accept His love and give it right back out to others. What a challenge that can be....but it is the core of what people need.
Love...that is what God is. That is what people need. God's love.
i have also been shown tonight how precious life and TIME are.
This probably doesn't make sense. All i know if my heart is breaking for God's love and is being replenished at the same time. He is doing something in me....teaching me. i need that.
i also wanted to let you all know that i love you. i love you all very much. i am thankful you are each a part of my life and i am praying for you and your families...present and future. that above all else, you will feel and know God's love.
i love you.

Pressed upon my heart....

Lately, i have not had the urge to blog or share because I feel that what i have been learning is for me and so personal...and honestly, it's something that I want to cling to for my own, but, it has been pressed upon my heart to share just a little.

I too, like Amy, have been getting a lot out of Donald Miller's books...well Blue Like Jazz in particular. I don't agree with everything he says, but I feel as if God is using it to really speak to me. I don't know how to explain that. But I feel as if I am reading it at the right time and God is using this book to speak to my heart. I have also been studying Romans along with it. I have not been deligent in my quiet times for the past several months, but the past two weeks, God has given me a hunger to steal away with Him and amazingly He has given me a two hour window each day. It has been wonderful...but i have also felt very challenged these past two weeks, in my thinking and just with things in my life. I have also felt a little pulled and tested.

The main thing that I feel as if God has been teaching me through these past two weeks is that He is much bigger than I allow him to be in my life. Everytime I complain or wish or get caught up in my self-pity, I am discrediting Him and His power in my life. I am HIS child, and He loves me. I have to choose to accept that love and love Him back instead of wish for things that I don't have.

I think we are all in the same place. None of us absolutely LOVE our jobs...most of us girls thought and wish that we would have "someone special" in our lives by now...most of us are unsure about what is next...or are not satisfied with something about ourselves, ect. ect...and I feel that everytime I really complain about that, that I am telling God He doesn't know what He is doing and that His plan for me isn't right and that He doesn't have the power to work things out in my life. But He DOES know what He is doing and I can't even begin to imagine the power He has. I want His power and love to run freely through me...but I so often put limits on it by my complaints or self-pity.

I struggle with these desires in my heart girls and Danny. I struggle with being so lonely here in Tuscaloosa. I struggle almost daily financially. I struggle with constantly pouring out into others and not getting fed myself. It is so easy for me to get so down here and "Bla" but God wants me to be so ALIVE. It's all a chose. How we handle any situation or feeling is a chose. Will we choose to get down and depressed or angry or upset, or will we chose to glorify God for the blessings and trials. Because "we should rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been POURED INTO OUR HEARTS through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Rms. 5:3-5) Our God is so good and He promises to never fail us. Why do we, ME in particular, feel that He has forgotten us? Again, His power and love is much bigger than we allow Him to be.

I use we loosly, for lack of better words, not conclusively to the readers of this blog.

Anyways, I don't know if any of you care. Just felt like I needed to share a little about what I have been learning.

I will end with a few quotes from Blue Like Jazz

"...believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is like making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."

"What I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do."

"The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me." THIS one really hit hard this week.

"I don't think there is any better worship than wonder."

A Big BOBO!....

Why does everything cost so freakin' much???
Doesn't the world know that I make hardly NOTHING at the church I work with...and I can't really get another job because I am in school FULL time...actually more than full...and being a youth director, I need flexible scheudles....SO why doesn't the world understand this and cut me a BREAK when I need one????
For instance,
I bought 6 out of my 8 books yesterday...and they are not text books...really just books...small paperback readers...and it cost me $433.77! WHAT?!! And I have two more to go. Great.
Second, I went to the dentist today because my tooth has been killing me and I tried to get cheap dental work by going to the UAB School of Dentistry...but kept getting screwed over...so I have to go to a regular dentist today and that was only a cheap $221.00...and I have to go back 2 more times which will only cost me an additional $600.00....WHAT??!!
Third...hang tags here at the lovely UofA are a wopping $100. WHAT??!! They weren't that much at AU....
Plus I need my back rear light fixed on my car plus a new windsheild...the first costs about $100 and the windsheild is at least $200.
I have to renew my insurace...another wopping $300-400.
Why does everything cost so much?
All of this totalling...about my years salary at the church. NICE!
So, this afternoon I have been trying to find another job...yes, I would love to either be in school or working every minute of my life next year...but I suppose that's just the way my dice are rolling right now. I'm so excited!!!...
Hope you are all having great days!

something I have been pondering....

On Sunday, a man jumped up in church feeling the need to share what he has been learning. It was quite good and really hit home. I have been pondering it ever since. He talked about God's forgiveness and how often we chose to accept punishment than the forgiveness He extends us. We think we deserve the punishment, or "hard road" and turn our backs against His forgiving hand. We make things a lot harder than it is supposed to be. We walk around getting wrapped up in the petty things of life and things that don't matter. We don't seize opportunites to be loved by God and to extend His love to others. He also talked about "can a dead man continue to sin." If we are truely dead to this world...do we continue to sin? The answer was if we continue to...we aren't dead enough. Hmmm...
Amy, your last blog hit home. I want that too. I don't know why I can't stop myself to just spend time with my Abba. That's what I want. I really do... I just get so wrapped up in what's around me. The pettiness...the uselessness. I have been thinking about getting away by myself as well. I just want to be with my Creator and let Him love me and lead me. Why can't I cave in to that?? That's why Duane's message hit home so. I often take on a robe of punishment or self-pity than God's robe of righteousness. I want to rejoice in Him, not feel rejected by Him. But it is my choice. I so often choose the punishment, that is not from Him, instead of His joy and love. Why? Maybe because I am scared of what He will ask of me...or how my life will be changed...or how people might think that I am different. But why be so scared? Has He ever failed me yet? NO...He has promised to love me. Hmmm....
My prayer especially these past few days has been "more of you Lord...less of me. I don't know how to be less of me...so please teach me."
Ironically, I have enjoyed Tuscaloosa and my church more this week than I have in MONTHS. Weird. Oh, I also heard a little more about Ecuador in December today!!! YEAH! I really pray that works out.
Well that's what has been on my mind lately...just thought I would share.

Danny, what beach are we going too???
Yes, if you were wondering, I still have ring worm! GROSS!
Well, I need to go write some letters for visiting youth. Hope you are all well.
Love and prayers!