amy, this blog is for you...i suppose. i told you that i would not be good at this. i perfer to read others than to write about my own boring, and lonely (these days especially) life. Amy, your blogs are always so uplifting and full of graceful words and thoughts. I am afraid mine will be just full of random statement, incomplete and/or run-on sentences and self-pity. I can't seem to get out of it this week--today especially. i think when i signed up for this blog mess and picked "that's bobo" as it's name, it genixed (I know that is totally misspelled but I have no idea how to spell it) to a week full of BOBO!!!
It started off with the dumb dentisit appointment that never happened. i don't know when i have been so mad. Then i had a pleasent visit with one of my FAVORITE families in the world. I love to be with them. They always love on me and encourage me and set such an amazing example before me. But lately I find myself leaving them with heartache. i want so badly what they have. I want a marriage like Jeremy and Kim. I want faith and wisdom like Jeremy and even Kim. I want two precious children like they have. More importantly, I want the trust that they are living each day. As I left them and was headed back to Tuscaloosa, the town that literally sucks me dry...or energy, of joy, of hope...my tire blew. I called AAA and they told me they couldn't help (all of this by the way is BOBO!!) and some nice man stopped by and changed my tire. I was just past the Gallaria so i thought I would get my tire fixed there instead of driving back to T-town on a spare. Well several several hours later and $200 later (which i CAN'T afford on my limited salary), I was on my merry way back to this town that I don't like. I called Jeremy and Kim to let them know what happened and Jeremy ended up giving me a counseling session all the way home. He said things that I needed to hear...but I don't know what to do with it. I am in this place of BLA and I don't know what to do. Amy, you know how you said you keep thinking after you turn this corner it has to get better...i feel the same, but in my case it just seems to get worse. I have some hard decisions and choices to make and somewhere along this past year or so, i feel like I have lost me. I don't know. I'm just rambling now.
Well I went home to Mobile for my neice's surgery and sis-in-law's baby shower then back up here to this dark hole. I woke up this morning in a good mood, ready for a new day...and BAM as soon as I get to church the blows start coming. I think I just attract this sarcastic behavior from people where all they know to say to me is moking or making fun of me. It's okay for a while, but it gets old. I find out bad news...well to my ears and then it just explodes from there. One of my closest friends at church (whom I have to really think about ending our friendship for a while) knows what I need. He loves on me and encourages me. He asks me what's wrong and about my day and really listens...he acts like he doesn't always care but I know he does...he and i got into it and it lasted all day. it's one of those things that is so addictive. i know it's not the healthiest thing for either of us right now, but i can't end it. It's a pure friendship with this connection that i can't explain and I wish wasn't there because it's hard...but i think we just use each other. Anyways my struggle with what to do about this friendship added to my hurt from the news...and then i spent the afternoon at the pool with 3 couples. That's how it always is...me and one or more couples. i HATE it. I feel as if I have no friends here...well I have that one at church, but it's complicated. And i have another friend, Melissa, who I am getting to know more. And then all these couples. I like each of them but it gets OLD and it makes me feel more alone. They all keep telling me that I am "too picky" and I don't think i am. I have certain standards that I won't back down on, but I am pretty open to trying things...there is just no interest for people wanting to get to know me. If I hear how picky these couples think I am one more time, I think i might throw up on them! And then youth--man that drains me somedays. I left today with such a heavy and sad heart. I felt very BOBO and hopeless.
I want my life to be full of hope and joy again. I know that everything will work out. I know that I have MANY blessings in my life. I know God is HUGE and powerful and that He has a plan for me...I am just having a hard time trusting right now. I am having a hard time getting out of my self-pity...and finding me again. I hope it's just a bobo week and that this week will be better.
I have a busy next few weeks. I have some appointments and then go home again for mom's surgery and then back only to leave for Ecuador for a week. I am really looking forward to this mission trip. To get my mind refocused on what really matters and to get away from this drain of a place I am in right now.
Man, I knew I shouldn't have signed on to this...all I wrote is complaints. I don't want my life to seem dull..but it is right now. I am not depressed...just a little lost. Hey, anyone got any suggestions what I should do with my life because I am all out. I know what my dream is...what my passions are...but it seems so unattainable and unrealistic for my life...and noone seems to understand.
Anyways, Amy, I hope that post does it for a while. Maybe next time will be more uplifiting and full of funny bobo's. You probably have stopped reading my now!! =)
This is all I have right now.
